A Vision of Beauty

I can't even look at this for too long. Thanks David.

All I Want For Christmas

So I will be in Los Angeles on Sunday with my mom and sisters and I have two Christmas wishes to come true.

1. To see Nicole Ritchie pregnant and eating.



2. Britney Spears (and Jamie Lynn if the heavens are aligned) drinking Starbucks at a gas station.

Texting Is My New Muse for Hilarity

I seriously love how the art of (or lack of) crafting text messages or gchats make for a more hilarious story. I think it's because - like a thought - a response is usually instant and spontaneous, hence the lack of grammar, spelling, and best of all, censorship.

Phil: ha i got a text message from joel last night saying rob is making out with his priest

Christmas Has Come Early

Just when you thought the Britney Spears saga can't get any more Jerry Springer....GUESS WHAT happens.

Her 16 year old sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, star of Nickolodeon's Zoey 101 gets knocked up.

I saw this and couldn't, didn't believe my eyes. I went through so many different emotions. Excitement when I saw the headline. Disappointment when I saw the source was OK freaking magazine. A new found glimmer of hope when I saw the "Confirmed Update" from TMZ. And finally, absolutely pure knee weakening elation when I saw the breaking news on People.com...the ultimate source of truth (I know this to be the mecca of all tabloid shit from my days at In Touch, but you didn't hear it from Ms. Jenkins cause they'd kill me if I'd ever disclose that info)

I'm literally drooling.

Cane But Not Able

I love hearing about bad dates that my friends go on. So when Phil sent me a text message last week that simply said "my date walks with a cane" I could only imagine. I got the full story via a second hand chat with his friend Jen (who btw is a whole other mini-series of delicious insanity)

I'm posting his chat with his permission of course.

Jen: how was ur date?

me: omg. i guess u havent talked to shira, ok so first of all
we were supposed to hang out wed

Jen: i know

me: and he texts me wed night and i slike i cant do it tonight
i got off work late and have family drama
i was lik eok i can do tomorrow

Jen: yea she toldme that part

me: did i tell you he called me crying?

Jen: sorda but not in detail

me: well he called me crying about how his mother was in jail for failing to appear in court

Jen: hhaaaaaaaaaaaa

me: and she was arrested the first time for domestic violence

Jen: wut

me: jen dont even start laughing yet because this is the tip of the ice berg
so im like ok i dont blame him for having a crazy family but doesnt he have friends to talk to about this? like not the guy ur going on a date with that u havent event met yet?

Jen: yea not a guy u havent even gone out withyet

me: so then hes like not letting me off the phone and asking me random questions like what kind of food i like
and im like jesus save it for the date
now did i tell you that he told me that he had very mild cerebral palsy?

Jen: shira said ms

me: no cp. but whatever
i looked it up and it said that when its very mild u can barely notice it
or the person might just be a little clumsy
welll...
i might him and he walks with a cane
and barely at that...he should almost be in a wheel chair

Jen: omggg
i just started to crack up but i guess its not funny
me: no i was cracking up too
not at him but at me

Jen: wait so tell me more

me: oh i will
so then we walk to the restaraunt and its awkward because i naturally walk very fast anyway
so i keep leaving him behind
and like doubling back

me: so on the way to the restaraunt which is just like a block
he manages to get his cane stuck on my jeans
and almost knocks over a biker
the weird thing is that hes been disabled all his life
yet he seemes like he just started walking with a cane

Jen: omg

me: like he was so awkward. so then we get to the restaraunt and get drinks
and like hes nice or whatever but hes dorky

Jen: yea
did he drink

me: yeah
and of course whenever im in a bad date situation i just get drunk

Jen: of course

me: so then im texting shira my date walkes with a cane
at one point he went to get drinks and didnt bring his cane
and then he comes back to the table and hes like oh i just realized i cant carry the drinks
can u go gget them
then at one point he starts holding the cane up to my head
and saying oh dont worry i wont hit you
i can control it

Jen: why to ur head?

me: i have no idea
it reminded me of when little kids play the "im not touching you game"
so then he goes to the bathroom and i call shira and im like im gonna die
so then he gets back and im like i need to get out of this

Jen: u cant make this shit up


me: no u cant, so i start yawning
and at like 10:30 im like ok im beat i need to go home
so then we're outside walking
and he goes wtach this
and he twirls his cane around
like not twirls but swings it around in a clockwise motion
as a trick to impress me
and then falls flat on his face

Jen: wutt
omg now i feel bad for laughing
but i cant stop

me: but u are laughing

Jen: yea


me: so then we part and i give him a hug

Jen: wait so wutd u do when he fell

me: honestly i froze
oh i should have saved this story for in person
earlier he was saying how since he falls so much he developed this ability to shoot his arm out really fast
to break his fall
and im like um ok everyone has that reflex whatever

Jen: so it clearly didnt work

me: well no when he fell he was like look see how my arm shoot out
i was like yeah that was impressive

Jen: were u laughing

me: on the inside,just at the situation
so then when we went to part
he like wouldnt let me go

Jen: ewwww

me: no not physically
like he kept talking

Jen: oo ok
stil eww

me: like telling me his schedule for the next month
and talking abnout how hell have his friends place to himself

Jen: so whens the second date?

me: the 12th of never
oh and so hes trying to get his ipod on and he like cant
and then hes like do you have an ipod
and im like yeah
and hes like what kind do you have
what size memory
what color is it
and on and on
Jen: o he lovesu
me: yeah
Jen: maybe it could work out

me: then he insisted on huigging me again and squeezing me
so then i was like text me when u get home so i know u got home
because i was honestly worried about him

Jen: yea he prob thought u were in love back

me: yeah so then when he got home he wrote me "got home safe and u look amazing btw"

Jen: aw love

me: yeah
i need to go tell my coworkers
brb
Jen: k

Hot Piece: The New Batman

Right Around the Corner

It's my favorite time of year....Awards Season. I eat this shit up. Today they announced the nominees for the Golden Globes which, as everyone knows, sets the stage for the Academy Awards. So let's get started...First of all, I'm really dying to see Atonement and No Country for Old Men.



Another movie which is getting lots of Oscar buzz which I really want to see is The Savages starring Philip Seymour Hoffman and Laura Linney about a brother and sister dealing with their ailing father.




I'm SHOCKED and disappointed that Ugly Betty is not nominated since last year it won. At least Pushing Daisies is getting a little action.



Oh, and watch for Ellen Page in Juno, a while back in my blog I predicted this bitch was gonna be big. She's only 19 or 20 years old and is seriously the best actress I've ever seen in my life. She blew me away in Hard Candy.



Best Movie - Drama
American Gangster
Atonement
Eastern Promises
The Great Debaters
Michael Clayton
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood

Best Actress - Drama
Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie, Away From Her
Jodie Foster, The Brave One
Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart
Keira Knightley, Atonement

Best Actor - Drama
George Clooney - Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis - There Will Be Blood
James McAvoy - Atonement
Viggo Mortensen - Eastern Promises
Denzel Washington - American Gangster

Best Movie - Comedy
Across The Universe
Charlie Wilson's War
Hairspray
Juno
Sweeney Todd

Best TV Show - Drama
Big Love
Damages
Grey's Anatomy
House
Mad Men
The Tudors

Best TV Show - Comedy
30 Rock
Californication
Entourage
Extras
Pushing Daisies

Jesus Take the Wheel

I just had to post this lovely photo of Joan Van Ark from Dallas and Knots Landing.